Originally not meaning to be named "Enigma", this piece reflects a stage in my life where I felt the most broken once again, and my artwork saved me. It holds the meaning behind insecurities, the power behind elements, the details that define hidden depths.
So reading the intro you're probably thinking wait what? Enigma for me was designed in June 2020, where me and my soul mate at the time had to part ways as partners (I believe our paths will always be intertwined for this lifetime and possibly even the rest to come) but officially, the thoughts, hopes and dreams we had for a future of marriage etc, was stopped due to situations out of our personal controls. It broke me. And when I say my freelance saved me, it was the only thing I knew I could control when it felt like my world just got shattered into a million and one pieces and I didn't know where to begin.
It was weird, it was like I was grieving for a future that we could no longer have even though it was never set in stone, I was grieving for the fantasies and thoughts I had built in my mind and slowly started to see manifest in real life but hell with the lockdown and everything that happened in 2020, it's simply taught us all - forget what you think you know and always be prepared for the unexpected. So I turned to art. So that was my situation at the time, and art is what saved me.
How did it save me you're wondering? Within the first few weeks of us parting ways as partners, I was torn apart because our connection is something else well and truly. I couldn't eat, sleep, think, and I just felt broken, like well and truly broken - he's who I believed to be my soul mate at the end of the day. So in the essence of losing my mind (I also went back to counselling at this part and had just started my sessions after lockdown already triggering so many unhealed aspects of my life), I turned to the only thing I knew I could do - drawing. I finished the piece and shared it on my social first as always with the caption -
""ENIGMA" | this originally wasn't going to be the name, this piece was done whilst I was going through my head motions of losing it all over again, this piece means a lot to me. Why the name enigma? The official definition is - a person or thing that is mysterious or difficult to understand... now allow me to explain.
Insecurities - they kill you bit by bit, thought by thought, until you start to sit there not being able to recognise yourself. It's scary isn't it? Knowing that your own mind can do that to you, turn your anxiety into an in-escapable monster that consumes you. Spiritually (air), emotionally (water), physically (earth) and mentally (fire), it becomes you. But what do we do to fight that, how do we overcome them? Every thought, every idea, every emotion - we learn to control and challenge. We embrace, only for a moment, and then we switch it up. "You're not good enough!" becomes "What if I am?". "You'll never get that job!" becomes "I have the skills and knowledge for that job." Doubts become challenged affirmations. Anxiety becomes a battle of reality vs a fantasy. Pinch yourself, your anxiety is making you dream. It's showing you the world through filtered lenses, take them off. It's not all sunshine and rainbows, but it's no longer grim. It's not black and white, it's 1000 shades of grey that fill in the missing blanks, those divides that you feel. You're stronger than your anxiety, and stronger than your insecurity. It won't break you, and if it does, never be afraid of the journey back up. For every break down is just a chance to rebuild yourself even stronger again."
Now, this piece for me reflected not only my current mind and emotion, but also, how insanely insecure I was feeling. From being in a series of bad and quite toxic relationships to being in what was actually such a soulful and nurturing one, it broke my heart when it had to come to an end and left me feeling incredibly insecure because I felt unworthy of love. I felt incredibly alone, unbelievably overwhelmed and just couldn't work out why things had to be this way = anxiety took over, borderline depression again and it was an insecurity feeding ground from there on out.
But as soon as I started to work through this piece, I started to see and feel as if I was somewhat making even 1% progress to beginning to control my anxiety, just by returning to art, putting my emotion, unspoken words, heart and soul into something I had complete and full control over with no external factors included - it brought me peace, and started my healing process.
Anxiety is quite a tough one to write about because I'm totally aware it never really affects people in the same way, and it often is triggered in people completely different to others, so writing about it for me would either resonate to others, or it really wouldn't. But the one thing I knew, it makes you feel as though you're viewing your life through glasses that are glued to your head where it's a bleak tint onto everything and you have no choice but to watch no matter how much you close your eyes, you wake up and it's still there, still happening, still making you feel like all you can do is internally scream "WTF" over and over and over again. But this piece was about learning how to challenge that. Challenge your mind - can you make yourself question your anxiety? Can you make yourself say the positive question to make your anxiety go "oooooooooo sheeet well this is a game changer!", would you try tonight if you suffer from it?
So why did I pick the name "Enigma" over labelling it "insecurities" like I was originally going to? Well 2 reasons - the first was I refuse to call my artwork anything negative because that detracts from the purpose of the mandala and my work in general. My work is designed to help reflect and be used in aid of meditation, reflecting transformations, growth and ultimately, peace. The second, was actually when the word came to me whilst I sat there staring at the piece, the definition resonated with my current state.
I've always felt like I'm so hard to understand (minus the simplicity of me that I'm actually very easy to read because I wear my heart on my sleeve and cannot for the life of me hide my emotions), but that doesn't mean people understand me, and I guess this is where my art comes into it all. My art became a doorway for me to express myself to the world to those who could see the hidden details behind the depth of me - these details being my life story and the depth being absolutely every single element of my life that's happened to shape me into who I am right this very second and who I will be in the future. But it's always been so hard for people to just "get" me. Understand my point of view, see where I'm coming from, take the time to learn my head and learn me, and my soul mate is the one who did that (hence why it hit me so hard), but to this day he's still learning about me as I am about him.
Enigma has the definition of someone or something that is mysterious or difficult to understand at at that point in my life, I felt like my world was difficult to understand, I was to others, nobody quite understood why I was so broken over it, and nobody really understands what our connection is and how deep it goes. Enigma for all of it's depth and intricacy made me reflect on every moment I had with him as a partner, on every level, and it was the piece that really did trigger my healing because I was spiralling downwards faster than I could even try to kick my legs to bring me back up. It was the beginning of another come back, the hardest one I've ever had to do and am still working my way on coming back from because it's been the biggest hit on my heart I've honestly ever consciously felt. So I leave this blog on the note of learn how to battle your anxiety, you're stronger that you give it the power of being, and if you have that soulful connection with someone, nurture it, invest in it in every level because those are the connections that are once in a lifetime and so beautifully rare.
Ps, you can watch the timelapse below!
Thank you for reading & keep your eyes peeled for future piece meanings being shared across the blog and also socials. Feel free to share your thoughts, comments and even your own interpretations in the comments below or if you wish to let me know privately - I'm always social on emails and my social media channels.
One love - Simmy. x