The Story Behind: Reflections

Mandala The Story Behind

Designed in October 2020, Reflections was a deep dive into myself, my sub conscious, thing I'd buried and thoughts that were going round and round in my head from the recent heartbreak. It was the piece that brought to the surface everything I didn't want to acknowledge, the piece that caused another form of breakthrough.

It's quite unreal how many times a breakthrough can happen to a person, I mean it still baffles me how many times I've written the words 'it was a breakthrough' for me and yet here I am still writing it because Reflections was another one of those pieces for me. 

Update in between the time span of Reflections and Jai Yen: I had a crazy alcoholic weekend in Centerparcs for a joint birthday bash, I visited London quite a few times because I felt insanely homesick for there and my lifestyle I had there (mainly just always being out and about basically) and spent more time with my family to try and fill the void I couldn't escape of losing my soul mate. We weren't even speaking at this point, and if we were, it was barely and that hurt me so much. From speaking every waking moment of the day to absolutely nothing, I felt empty and so alone, it was difficult. I always say a relationship for me is a want, never a need, because I always just want to share my life with someone, I don't need a person there by my side but it's just a really nice to have thing. So I was reeling from that a lot still.

So back to the piece - I spent my evenings and weekends working on it. Deciding I wanted to do a piece that was more symmetrical than usual and had more to add in the bigger picture than just a singular mandala like I usually did. This piece was depth, it was depth in all forms - for the resemblance of me as well as what it signified and even drawing every element. The layers, the line weights, everything that made up the smallest details. So let me share with you what I first put to my social media before we go into what it means:

"Reflections" - so this one for me was personal, it was me reflecting back on everything that's happened this year, last and even the year before - memories that came back that I buried and needed to overcome and even just come to terms with - hence the name. ⁠
It's powerful, if anything it made me feel a heck of a lot better by the time I'd finished it, but it just goes to show, the layers behind a person's mind is always something crazy, always different. Which is why although this piece is as mirrored as can be, there's a few differences for the leaves in each corner, subtle differences to walk into the jungle of thoughts...⁠

So what was this piece for me when I started getting deeper into it - anxiety, all over. It was literally an anxiety attack in the most calmest and controlled manner possible for how much it made me think and reflect and just get consumed by my own mind through every single stage of it, and to be honest, it took me quite a while to even design this piece (26 days in total). I guess to an extent, it's taken me a fair while to write this one too, truth be told so far it's been about 3 weeks since I first started writing it to being able to publish it.

You see this piece for me while I say it covers anxiety and heartbreak, it made me think about my history with a toxic ex, how he played off being so in love with me whilst messaging however many other girls possible (some of which became my friends who never ever told me he tried to get to know them first before me which made me feel like the biggest idiot ever) and then got with me and then began to become so controlling and eventually made me cut off everyone, and tried as much as possible to make that happen with family too. How insecure he was whenever I came home that I used to dread coming home because I knew it would kick off shit between us. 
It made me reflect on the current situation I was in with my soul mate, where we weren't speaking and when we were it was emotional, it was heartbreak, it was still the "i miss you's" and "i love you's" but we still didn't get to be together. It was still the love and care and affection and the heartfelt messages but at the time I struggled so much to believe them because I thought to myself "if you love me as much as you say you do, fight for me" - and that thought has been consuming my mind for months, to this day it still does but the pain of it has eased and we recently had a clear out between us of the hurt and emotion as he's looking to take the next step forward in his life. 
I felt used, I felt broken, I felt like every person I ever dated treated me all the same and like it was just the continuation of a cycle until the 'right one' came along - but there lies my biggest fear, there won't be a right one. There won't be the one who changes the game for me although everyone else may get that, I'm always scared I won't, and I've felt like that for such a long time since me and my soul mate broke up, I still feel like it today although now I spend less time thinking about it. I know I know law of attraction, I should manifesting the guy who will come into my life with the highest frequency of love and acceptance possible, but when you have a dating history as bad and toxic as mine, it becomes seriously difficult some days, so I found it was easier to just not think about it some days. 
It was me thinking about the dreams I was having that was all about him, the one I thought I would marry and spend my life with - dreams of life's most intimate and unforgettable moments, remembering things he'd said and moments we shared, this piece felt like torture some days for having all of that in my head all the time.  

This piece triggered memories from the year before on the exact same dates I was drawing it, family history, personal history, college memories. It really was reflection, a time capsule, thoughts, memories, dreams, hopes, wishes, everything. 

But looking back at it now, of course there's always more meaning to it, 4 corners looking so similar yet having the slightest differences, it's a representation of us - mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally - the 4 components that make us who we are, share the similar sorts of foundations yet have the few key notable differences that define that area of us. The similarities we can call values, our upbringing, foundations, but the differences? That's us, our life experiences, the things we go through and the thoughts we had in those moments. Which is why they surround the mandala - the mandala being us. You. Me. We're parts of the universe combined into one - layers upon layers of energy, frequencies, emotions. 

Reflections was named for all of the reasons above, nothing else felt right to call this because it was me trying to find the positives out of what felt like one of the lowest frequency pieces I'd designed if I called it anything else. I always believe my artwork is there to help others, but it actually helps me too. It's my own form of therapy, own form of meditation when words fail me and I can't keep my mind still where lately all I keep seeing is ideas for new artwork pieces when I'm trying to express my thoughts and feelings - this is where it sucks to be a creative sometimes because you feel so heavily reliant on the person who the target audience to be able to understand it, and if they don't, it really does feel like the most heartbreaking feeling ever as then you really do feel misunderstood and as a creative, that can make you or break you, and quite often it does do both in waves. 

Thank you for reading & keep your eyes peeled for future piece meanings being shared across the blog and also socials. Feel free to share your thoughts, comments and even your own interpretations in the comments below or if you wish to let me know privately - I'm always social on emails and my social media channels. 

One love - Simmy. x

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